


Need You Now

by mugglerock



Series: Through the Rift [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Broken Castiel, Broken Dean, Heartbreak, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication is the Real Villain Here, Sad Castiel/Dean Winchester, Songfic, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 18:28:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9084442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mugglerock/pseuds/mugglerock
Summary: Dean turned over the note Sammy had shoved unceremoniously into his hands the morning he and Elizabeth returned to the bunker when he asked where Cas was. It wasn’t even addressed to him, just his mom and brother.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Finally finished this damn sequel to Suffer. We'll see if I continue the series. <3

_“Picture perfect memories,_

_Scattered all around the floor...”_

 

Dean turned over the note Sammy had shoved unceremoniously into his hands the morning he and Elizabeth returned to the bunker when he asked where Cas was.

 

It wasn’t even addressed to him, just his mom and brother.

 

_Dearest Mary and Sam,_

_I apologize for the cowardice in leaving such a note in the stead of speaking to you both face to face. You have been the sort of family I have never experienced in all of my existence. It is with a sorrowful and truly broken heart that I must part from people who have given me nothing if not an unwavering and unconditional love. It hurts me more than I could ever begin to articulate._

_The time I have spent learning the more domestic aspects of life with you, Mary. I shall treasure every task and skill you enlightened unto me. The time spent together will be treasured much more ardently._

_Sam, I could not even begin to express the sheer devotion I have for you as not only a human being, but as a friend, as a brother. It pains me to depart from such a beacon of light and hope that radiates from your person. I will miss you immensely._

_My reason for leaving is selfish and while I wish I could stay, I cannot. The pain it causes me to depart from my family would be exponentially greater if I were to stay. I have been in love with your brother, Sam; your son, Mary; for, well, what feels like an eternity at this juncture. I never truly existed until I met Dean Winchester and I apologize that I am incapable of setting those feelings aside. I hope you will both understand and eventually come to forgive me._

_Please tell Dean whatever you deem necessary regarding my departure. You may even show him this note if you wish; but I fear I am unable to pen any such letter to him. I love you both and I do hope we will meet again._

_Thank you for everything,_

 

_Yours sincerely,_

_Castiel._

 

Dean had lost count of how many times he had read and re-read that letter. He had never, not once, in the time since he had met Cas, thought the guy was capable of reciprocating the feelings Dean had pushed down to the darkest, most secluded corner of his heart and mind.

 

Dean had fallen in love with the angel the day he betrayed heaven to rescue Dean from Zachariah’s grasp. But it was an easy feeling to hide, to pack tightly into a box and stuff in the far recesses of his consciousness. Cas wasn’t capable of love, that’s not what angels did. They could have sex, but love was never in the cards.

  


_“Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more_

_And I wonder if I ever cross your mind_

_For me it happens all the time...”_

  


Dean stared at his phone, turning it over in his hand, trying to will himself to call, to scroll through his contacts and select the three letters that meant more to him than... hell, just about anything else. How did he fuck up? When? Well, if he really thought about it, Dean knew exactly when he fucked up.

 

It was the night Dean caved into his emotions, his unadulterated lust for the angel. It had also been the best night of his life, despite the fact that it broke him. When Cas asked what it was they had done, Dean felt sick. Cas clearly didn’t understand why two platonic friends would suddenly have sex. And when he questioned Dean’s sexuality, that was just the icing on the cake. He shrugged it off, a casual denial of being anything but straight; even though inside he was crumbling. Falling to pieces.

 

Cas was so weirdly calculating and professional after they had sex, it broke Dean’s heart more and more every time. He knew he should stop, for his own sanity, his own sake, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. Because when they were together, when Castiel would snake his hand into his hair and pull while sliding his cock in and out of Dean’s hole, it would shatter him. The amount of times he had to bite his lip to stop himself from crying out the extent of which he loved Castiel, it was overwhelming.

 

So, when they met Elizabeth, he couldn’t help but feel drawn to her. She reminded him of Cas in all of the ways he loved. If he couldn’t be with who he truly wanted to be with, she was definitely a great substitute. And he did learn to love her, in his own way, but it never quite reached his heart. No. Cas had owned that for the past decade.

 

_“It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now_

_Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now_

_And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now...”_

  


Dean lost track of how many times he prayed to Cas, the angel’s cellphone abandoned in their kitchen garbage. He found it after the fifth call and spent hours figuring out the passcode. It honestly shouldn’t have taken him as long as it did; 2337. It spelled bees.

 

The angel’s phone was pretty boring. Almost no apps, but it was the pictures that clued Dean into just how much he had fucked up. Almost all of the photos in Cas’s album were of him, or the two of them together. A few here and there of Sam and their mom, but mostly, it was the Dean show. All Dean, all the time.

 

Cas wasn’t answering his prayers. His begging. His pleas. Either the angel went off the grid, or he was tuning out Dean’s prayers. Neither possibility was particularly hopeful.

 

“Cas, you stupid son of a bitch! Why won’t you hear me out? Turn your ears on!”

 

Elizabeth walked in on one of his outcries, one of his many, many prayers. She smiled sadly at him and sat down next to her new husband who was, at that moment, completely bereft at the prospect of his best friend having all but abandoned them.

 

She sat down on their shared bed, gently grasped his hand and let out a deep exhale before asking, “How long?”

 

Dean had wanted to feign ignorance. He wanted to brush it off, pretend he didn’t know what she was talking about. What she was implying. But he was too damn tired. “Years.”

 

Elizabeth shook her head, a profound sadness in her body language, her eyes. “Why did you marry me?”

 

Because Dean thought _he_ wasn’t an option. Because she reminded him of everything he loved about Cas. Because he was a selfish asshole. “I _do_ love you, Liz.”

 

She smiled sadly at him. “But not as much as you love him.” It wasn't a question.

 

Dean stared at her, his beautiful, funny, enigmatic wife. The woman he'd pledged to spend the remainder of his life with. He shied away from her watery gaze as he muttered, “I’m so sorry.”

 

Liz’s voice, waterlogged from her silent tears, mumbled a soft, “I'll file for an annulment.”

 

He reached for her hand and held it. “Liz, please, we can work it out. We can–”

 

She pressed her free hand to his lips, cutting off the emotional plea. Liz shook her head. “I will always love you, Dean Winchester. But I also love myself enough to know I deserve better than being someone’s back up. And so do you.”

 

“I really do love you.”

 

She smiled. “I know, but your heart belongs to him. I wish you happiness and love, Dean.”

 

Liz left that night, her few personal belongings in tow, without saying goodbye. He couldn't blame her.

 

Damn. How could he have been so stupid and careless? He should have known better than to try and replicate the supposedly unrequited love he had for his best friend. It wasn't fair to her and it wasn't fair to him.

 

He'd dragged someone else into his heart ache and misery and Liz honestly deserved better than that.

  


_“Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door_

_Wishing you'd come sweepin' in the way you did before_

_And I wonder if I ever cross your mind_

_For me it happens all the time...”_

  


Bottle of whiskey in hand, Dean’s knuckles were white from the tightness of the grip. The pleasant warm sensation he usually felt was marred by this aching, empty void where his heart used to be. After another swig, he wiped the errant drops from the corner of his mouth and prayed, “Cas, why won’t you respond? I need you, man. We need to talk.”

 

He watched the door in anticipation. As though his soft plea would make a damn difference. Dean had lost track of how many times he’d prayed to the angel over the past couple of weeks. The radio silence was killing him more than when the annulment paperwork came to their door.

 

How the hell was he supposed to move on with his life? How the hell was he supposed to live every day knowing that he lost any semblance of a chance he had at an apple pie life? How the hell could he make sense of it all? Having never realized what had been waiting there for him all along?

 

Dean threw the bottle against the wall, reveling in the satisfying crash of glass shattering. He moved to the edge of his bed, hung his head downward in resigned prayer and plead, “Castiel. I wish you would hear me. I'm so very sorry for hurting you. I'm so sorry I made you think I didn't love you with every fiber of my being. I do, love you that is. Please come home, Cas. Please.”

 

He waited with baited breath for the familiar sound of angel wings. It never came.


End file.
